This day hasn’t exactly been easy for me. I’ve been trying to channel my energy and emotions into doing something productive for school, but i always end up spacing out. The slightest memory tears me into pieces, the mention of his name brings instant tears into my eyes, i’m a mess. I hate him. I can’t even remember how many time’s ive cried ever since the break up, How many times i’ve told myself “Never again”. The pain is just so consuming and i can’t help but wonder how could he do this to me? How could he put me through so much pain and at the same time, keep telling me that he “loves” me? LIES, LIES, LIES. I can’t believe that the guy i have been spending time with since December of 2010, the guy i trusted with every fiber of my being, the guy i loved with all my heart, the guy i wanted to spend the rest of my life with, is the exact same guy who destroyed me. who crushed my self-esteem, how made me feel that i’m not good enough, who made me feel the worse kind of pain any person could possibly feel. Which reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from Greys Anatomy:
”You didn’t love her! You just didn’t want to be alone. Or maybe, maybe she was good for your ego. Or, or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn’t love her, because you don’t destroy the person that you love!”
Isn’t it true? If you really loved a person, that person would always be at back of your mind and you’d try your best not to do anything to disappoint/hurt that person. But that wasn’t the case, i guess. And i can’t help but conclude that he didn’t love me, he didn’t know what love was. I was dumb enough to think that i changed him, that what we had was real. MOTHER FUCK, LIFE SUCKS. I feel like i’ve completely lost myself. I thought i was strong. I thought that whatever heartbreak comes my way, i’d be tough enough to handle it. Turns out, i’m not. Whats even sadder is that i can’t talk to my friends about it. It pisses me off because despite what he has done to me, at the end of the day, i still think about his welfare. tanginang buhay to.