Hi, it's Hannah Fortits

It’s been said that you know you truly love a person when you love him/her not because of but despite of. Lets be real, it’s easy to love someone because of their looks, easy to love someone because of their charm. But loving someone despite their flaws and accepting who they truly are? now that’s pretty tough.

The way i see it, if you love someone “because of” it is the kind of love that is shallow, the kind of love that fades when the reasons are gone, whereas the “despite love” continues to be there no matter what the circumstances are.

You don’t love someone because they’re perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they’re not. -Jodi Picoult, from my favorite book, My Sisters keeper.

For the past few days, I’ve been trying to figure out how i got to where i am right now. A year ago, I was a whole different person. The kind of girl who couldn’t see herself being with a guy who smokes. The kind who had high expectations, The kind who treated life like a fairytale and believed that Prince Charming would one day come and sweep her off her feet. But everything changed when i met this one guy who changed the way i see things, this one guy who taught me to love not because of, but despite of.

He drinks a lot, he smokes like a chimney, he’s insensitive, he gambles and as much as i hate to admit it, He’s a manwhore. He’s everything i swore I’d never end up with, Everything i despised in a guy. But i guess life just has this funny way of messing with us because I remember waking up one day and all of a sudden, Everything i hated about him became irrelevant. All of a sudden, the guy who didn’t mean a thing to me last year, has unexpectedly turned out to be the guy i couldn’t imagine living without.

I love how crazy it gets when i party with my friends. :)

People who don’t know me that well always tell me that i’m so “nega” when it comes to love. College friends in particular. One even said “That’s probably cause you’ve never been in love” OH, TRUST ME, I HAVE. It was awesome, until he left and broke my heart. i still remember the feeling, i still remember those days when i said to myself Never Again.

You get to the point where you just want to block everyone out. You feel so alone, so betrayed. You spend days thinking about what you’ve done wrong to make him love you less. Every memory you have of him just leaves you with a bigger hole in your heart. You want to throw away the pictures, the gifts he gave you, but keep them anyway just in case he decides to come back. You go online on facebook, hoping he’d say hello just like the old days.. You just stare at the screen, too prideful to make a move, but then he signs out, you get disappointed and you end up crying yourself to sleep. You look at yourself in the mirror and suddenly, You don’t feel so pretty anymore. You lose your confidence, Your self esteem. You lose yourself. That’s how bad i was hurt. There was even a time where i wouldn’t let people take pictures of me. (Sarah Arrogante can testify to that) For months, i felt so ugly. For months, I felt like i lost a big part of me. For months, I was unhappy.

My mistake was i made him my everything, So when he left me, I felt like i had nothing. So If there’s one thing i’ve learned, it’s to NEVER MAKE A GUY THE CENTER OF YOUR WORLD. Girls, remember that. You always, always have to love yourself more. Know your worth. Know that you should never settle for anything less than you deserve. 

I have reached the point where I’m actually thankful that He broke my heart. All the pain i’ve been through has only made me stronger and wiser. That broken heart i’ve had to endure 2 yrs ago made me realize a lot of things. I learned from it and for that, i am grateful.

I chose to blog about this because everytime i go on tumblr, majority of what people post are about heartbreaks. And i just want all these beautiful girls to know that it isn’t the end of the world. “Just because you were happy with him doesn’t mean you can’t be happy without him.” Go on with your life, stop obsessing. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Tell yourself eveyday that you are beautiful and that you will be okay without him and most importantly, believe it. 

Just give it time. After all, as cliche as it may sound, time heals. And trust me, once you learn to let go of all the anger, hatred and bitterness, Things will get better. :)

(An old picture of me and steven racing. I could’ve won but i was too nice, I refused to hurt my horseyy. Steven on the other hand kept on spanking the poor thing. )

(At one point, I  almost won that race. But then again, It’s probably just because Steven is fat and his horse had a hard time going up. hehehe)

(Despite the fact that i was way way ahead of him, he still managed to catch up and win the race. I don’t know how he did it.)

For as long as i can remember, my earliest memories from my childhood include me on the back of a horse. When i was a little girl, My mom had to go to Korea and leave me in the Philippines for a while. Our family had a lot going on that time, Issues with my stepfather and all. Anyway, long story short, I stayed with my yaya in her province Negros Occidental for quite some time. She’s been with my mom for a very long time and she was considered family. Probably out of guilt, My mother bought me a horse and i named him ”horsey”. hehehhee i was a kid. Don’t judge me. I fell in love with my horse, all i ever did for a month was ride and play with it. But eventually, I had to go back to Cebu and live with my lola in Lahug. I didnt really have a choice, i had to let my horse go. :( It was heartbreaking.

It has been 12 years but my love for horses hasn’t changed a bit. Every time we go to Baguio, I make sure i go horseback riding. Its one the things I do that make me really happy. I love everthing about horseback riding. The breeze on my skin blowing through my hair, The adrenalin rush, The way i bounce when it gallops, i can go on and on…

Horses amaze me. An animal with such power, strength and size yet so gentle. Theres a feeling of freedom when i ride them. I feel like there’s not a worry in the world when I’m riding, Almost makes me feel like i’m invincible. 

“When you’re young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun, then you grow up and learn to be cautious; you could break a bone, or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don’t leap at all because there’s not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there is no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?” -Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

                   I was watching sex and the city and It made me think about how I’ve always wanted to be a grown up. When i was a kid, way back when i still lived in Cebu, i usually followed my mother around as she dressed up glamorously for a party. I watched her admiringly as she put her make up on, watched her spray her favorite perfume, watched her talking to her friends on the phone while she smoked her cigarette. I was always so amazed of how my mother handled herself. and whenever she’d leave, i’d do exactly what she did. I’d put make up on, spray her perfume, try to talk like her on the phone as i fake a cigarette by using one of her makeup brushes. (Except that the results weren’t so great.) It usually ended with me looking like a clown and my yaya getting mad at me for messing my moms dresser up. It usually ended with my mom finding out about what i did. She’d tell me that “i shouldn’t hurry”, that i should enjoy my childhood. I remember i would cross my arms and pout. I’d tell her that being a kid sucks, that i cant wait to grow up. Even as a little girl, i was always stubborn. my mom would usually just laugh and say “you have all the time in the world to be a grown up, anak. Don’t rush.”

              I’ve finally turned 18 just 2 months ago and i can finally call myself an adult. Sure, i get to party every now and then, travel with my friends, drink and do crazy things that i usually regret it in the morning, be the typical 18 yr old girl who tries to live her life to the fullest, but trust me, it isn’t always fun. Problems get harder, school gets tougher, Friends let you down, Family issues start to exist, Heartbreaks and broken promises exhausts the fuck out of you and sometimes you can’t help but wish you were a kid again. You know, back when home works were easy, back when peer pressure didn’t get the best of you, back when you thought you had the perfect family,  Back when boys were the least of your worries, back when you friend tells you “di na tayo bati” but after 5 minutes, you’re best friends again.

               As i sit here and blog, i’ve realized that our lives used to be so easy, so fun and carefree. We didn’t have trust issues, our hearts weren’t broken. We were happy. Now i don’t get why i was in such a hurry to grow up. Turns out, my mother was right all along. I should’ve enjoyed my childhood, should’ve cherished it while i could. But there’s no turning back now, all that’s left to do is enjoy my teenage life while i can and hope that in the future i turn out to be a successful woman and not end up marrying an alcoholic, cheating, son of a bitch.

Today i had a heart to heart talk with one of my closest friends. I asked her how she was doing, she nodded and said she was fine. So then I asked her how her relationship with her boyfriend was, she paused. I knew right then and there that she wasn’t happy anymore. 

She’s been dating the guy for about 2 years now and i know how much of an ass he is. I’ve listened to her cry a million times. I know the shit he’s put her through, i know how much she’s been hurting.

She told me that she caught him on the phone being all sweetsie sweetsie with someone. She bitched out on him and threatened to leave but for some fucked up reason, He managed to convince her that He’s sorry and it’ll never happen again. That from now on things would be different. YEAH RIGHT. and my friend, blinded by love, decided to give him another chance. 

“He’s a douche, He makes you feel like shit most of the time, He’s never there when you need him, he treats you like crap and now he’s cheating on you?! I dont understand, Why do you continue to put up with him? Why can’t you just leave him!!”

She shook her head and said “I can’t, Hannah. It’s not that easy. I love him”.

All i could do was roll my eyes. 

It made me wonder how many times we forgive just because we don’t want to lose someone, even if they don’t deserve our forgiveness.